Understanding the Psychology Behind Fear of Intimacy and Pushing Away Love
Have you ever found yourself pulling away from someone just when the relationship begins to deepen? You might start overanalysing every message, questioning your feelings, or fixating on minor flaws. Suddenly, the person you were excited about feels like a threat to your independence, your safety, or your emotional balance. This experience is more common than you think, and it often stems from psychological patterns that drive self-sabotage in relationships.
In this blog, we’ll explore the psychology behind self-sabotage, including how attachment styles, fear of vulnerability, and past experiences can cause people to retreat from love just when it starts to feel real.
What is Relationship Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotaging behaviour in relationships is when someone unconsciously (or sometimes consciously) takes actions that hinder emotional closeness. This can include pushing partners away, starting arguments, ghosting, avoiding commitment, or emotionally withdrawing.
Often, self-sabotage appears just when a relationship shows signs of serious potential. Rather than embracing love, some people begin to panic, second-guess, or shut down. These behaviours are not necessarily signs that the relationship is wrong. Instead, they often point to unresolved emotional patterns and deep-rooted fears.
Why Do People Sabotage Relationships?
1. Fear of Vulnerability
One of the most significant drivers of self-sabotage is fear of vulnerability. Falling in love requires emotional openness, which can be terrifying for someone who has been hurt before or who struggles to feel safe in relationships. Vulnerability means allowing someone else to see your flaws, fears, and insecurities.
If someone has learned to associate vulnerability with pain or rejection, they may instinctively shut down when things start to feel serious. Rather than risk being hurt, they might retreat first.
2. Unhealthy Attachment Styles
Attachment theory is one of the most helpful psychological frameworks for understanding relationship dynamics. Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, the theory outlines how early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations in adult relationships. Here are the most common attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment: Comfortable with intimacy and independence.
- Anxious Attachment: Craves closeness but fears abandonment.
- Avoidant Attachment: Values independence and often resists emotional intimacy.
- Disorganised Attachment: Experiences both fear and desire for connection, often due to trauma.
Those with avoidant or disorganised attachment styles are particularly prone to self-sabotage. They may desire love deeply but feel overwhelmed or unsafe when someone gets too close. Their internal alarm system might trigger a need to push away before they lose control.
3. Low Self-Worth
When someone doesn’t believe they are worthy of love, they may struggle to accept genuine care and affection. A person with low self-esteem might assume that their partner will eventually leave, lose interest, or discover their flaws. To protect themselves from this imagined future, they might pre-emptively sabotage the relationship.
Examples include doubting a partner’s intentions, picking fights, or withdrawing emotionally. These behaviours serve as a defence mechanism but often create the very outcomes they fear.
4. Trauma and Past Experiences
Past trauma, especially in romantic or family relationships, can leave emotional scars that affect how someone responds to love. For example, someone who has experienced betrayal, abuse, or abandonment may struggle to trust others fully. Even if their new partner is kind and consistent, their nervous system may still respond with fear or suspicion.
Trauma survivors may sabotage love because deep down, they are trying to avoid re-experiencing pain. The closer they get to someone, the more their protective instincts kick in.
Signs You Might Be Sabotaging a Relationship
If any of the following feel familiar, you may be engaging in self-sabotaging patterns:
- You suddenly feel anxious or suffocated when a relationship gets serious.
- You nitpick your partner’s behaviour or look for reasons to end things.
- You downplay your feelings or avoid emotionally vulnerable conversations.
- You test your partner to see if they will leave or disappoint you.
- You become distant or lose interest when things are going well.
These signs do not mean you are incapable of love. They are often signals that your subconscious is trying to protect you in the only way it knows how.
How to Stop Sabotaging Love
1. Recognise the Pattern
The first step to change is awareness. Reflect on past relationships and identify if there is a pattern of retreating or sabotaging when things get serious. Journaling, therapy, or talking with trusted friends can help bring clarity.
2. Understand Your Attachment Style
Learning about your attachment style can offer powerful insights. Once you understand your default reactions to intimacy, you can begin to shift them. Books like Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller are excellent starting points, and working with a therapist trained in attachment theory can accelerate healing.
3. Practice Emotional Regulation
Self-sabotage often stems from intense emotional responses. Learning to soothe yourself in moments of fear or overwhelm is key. Breathwork, mindfulness, or grounding exercises can help you stay present and reduce anxiety when connection feels scary.
4. Communicate Honestly
Open communication is one of the best antidotes to fear. If you are starting to feel panicked or distant, speak to your partner. Vulnerability breeds connection. You might say something like, “This relationship means a lot to me, and sometimes that scares me. I’m working on staying open, even when I want to pull away.”
5. Build Trust Gradually
If you’ve been hurt before, it’s okay to take things slowly. Trust doesn’t have to be instant. Allow yourself to build closeness over time, one honest conversation at a time. Let actions speak louder than fear.
Self-sabotage is not a character flaw. It is often a learned response, rooted in a desire for safety and control. But love, by nature, requires a degree of surrender. If you find yourself retreating just when things start to feel real, know that you are not broken. With awareness, support, and courage, you can rewrite your relationship patterns and allow love to stay.